Not normal

Alert, rant coming!

You know, I do really well with not letting my health (and all the other bs that life throws at me ) get me down. Sometimes, though..it really repetitively hits me in the face about how much of my life I’m missing and how not normal my life is. 

I literally stare at the 4 walls of my room, in my mom’s house, all day because I’m too fucking tired to do anything else and I can’t make any plans with people because my health always fucks that up too! 😤

I feel like I’m this unknown thing in a glass box watching all the other people play, work, have a family and live their lives. I’m just there, in the shadows, wasting away and smiling as people pass me by. 

It’s like I have this ball and chain holding me down. 

It’s like I heard the gun, but my body doesn’t move to start the race. 

It’s like living in your own personalized hell , everyday. Like a nightmare that never ends.

Just to name a few examples. 

I have so much I can do, laughter to give, love to feel, world’s to change, but I can’t get out of the box . 

Every time I think I’m making progress or getting ahead BAM! I get pulled right back and I’m left with nothing and no one.

I can’t think of a worse punishment for even the most evil of men than this. I often ask myself “what did I do in my past life to deserve this? ” because it really makes you wonder. 

I want to break free so bad, but I can never get one thing taken care of before another issue takes its place. It’s literally the most ridiculous thing anyone could ever see. 9 years almost and what health progress have I made? ? 

3 endometriosis surgeries, 5 drawers of pills , $250,000 of medical bills, 15 colonoscopies, a total colectomy , 3 rounds of chemotherapy treatments, 800 failed relationships later…and I’m still sick, fatigued, not able to have a normal life or job and at square 1. 

How much am I supposed to endure? and for how long? Another 3, 5, 8 years? 

I pray all the time and I don’t have the answers, but I’m so ready to find out what the big reason for it all is.

It’s just gone on for way too long with literally no difference . 

Sigh. 😥🙏

Rant over  

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