Over the last six months, I’ve really come to grow and get to know myself. I’ve realized that I’m a beast, I’m a Queen, a Boss, a Warrior, a Healer, an Advisor, a Savage, a Truth Seeker, a Justice Fighter and that I was never meant to be normal.
And I fucking love that.
We have to go through a lot of things that are painful and not very desirable in order to really grow into the person that we are meant to be.
We meet people who are meant to hurt us so that we can realize that we don’t deserve that treatment.
We meet people we feel like we can’t live with out, and who end up leaving us, just so we can learn not to be codependent.
These things hurt, and I’m not going to lie about that, but they’re meant to. Otherwise, we might never learn to be free.
Oftentimes, we don’t realize how awesome and great we are, because we are too focused on making ourselves become something we aren’t, and we were never meant to be.
I spent SO much time trying to live a “normal” lifestyle like my peers and those around me. I wanted to have a normal 9-5 job, a normal “picture-perfect” relationship, and get engaged, have a big wedding, have a kid, and that whole thing.
I wanted it so bad that I almost broke myself beyond repair.
I let my Crohns, POTS, and Endometriosis battles consume so much of my mentality, that I just wanted to forget they existed by pretending I was “normal”.
I got into a relationship and made that person the center of my universe. I literally devoted every part of myself to them. I wanted to build them up and make their lives better and better. I wanted to help them achieve every single goal they had and heal every wound.
I did all three things so willingly and quickly because it made me forget about what was going on with me.
It wasn’t a fix to any of my mental, emotional or physical problems, but for that time, it masked them all.
I found that after the relationship started to crumble, and the false world I had built around me shattered, I was still broken, but only now I hurt. I hurt, and I felt lost.
This pain was different from any other heartbreak I’d ever felt before. It was deep and it struck so far into me that my soul felt it. But within all this pain, it woke something up in me.
Something that had been asleep and dormant ever since I’d been a child.
The real me.
Every night I would fall asleep after the breakup, I’d dream of different scenarios, all that in summary were: me as a child, in chains. Me being in a locked room and crying on the floor. Me being in a dark room with my kid self.
The messages were clear…I needed, and wanted to break free so bad. Break free from the chains of my past and self-limiting beliefs. Break free from childhood hurt.
And eventually I did.
My dreams showed me the way, and I finally took heed.
I needed to cut ties with all the toxic people I had kept around me. I needed to start setting boundaries and limiting the amount of effort I offered to others.
I needed to put myself first and tend to my internal wounds and heal myself. Fix me FIRST.
I needed to learn how to love me and my own company, and I think that was the most difficult thing.
It’s crazy isn’t it? For most people, just like myself, the hardest thing for us to do is to love ourselves.
But why? We can love others and give so much to others, but when it comes to showing ourselves the same kind of love and attention, we’re clueless.
My Angels told me that I attract the same type of love that I give to myself. That spoke levels to me.
Because when I looked back on my past relationships, they all mirrored me. All my fears, faults and weaknesses came through in the physical world, in my partners.
It all made sense then.
Then I noticed that when I started mentally telling myself what I deserved and what I was no longer going to tolerate, people started to vanish from my life.
When you start vibrating on a higher frequency than those who top out at a lower frequency, they get uncomfortable and can no longer be in your vibrational field.
Now, I’m more conscious of what I think, and what I speak, because I know that it will manifest in the physical world. Good or bad.
Now, I love myself and my company so much, that I have to remind myself to socialize and to share what I know and have learned.
So love yourself. Feel the pain, go through the heartbreak, and the separation anxiety, then release it and grow.
It’s so much better on the other side of it.
Remember that sometimes, you’re not meant to fit in or be normal. You’re meant to be unique and leave your individual mark in this life. Don’t keep wasting time trying to live a lifestyle that was never meant to be yours to start with.
Listen to yourself, you know more than you think.