by Stashia Jeanette

🌑 From Addiction to Ascension: How I Learned to Forgive Myself and Reclaim My Worth

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By Stashia Jeanette (Ascension Oracle Vii)

There’s a point in every healing journey where you hit what you think is rock bottom, only to find out that rock bottom has layers. You fall through one pit, only to discover another crevice waiting underneath it.
That was me.

This episode, this story, is about addiction, self-forgiveness, and learning to love myself after years of running from my own pain. I want to talk about what it’s like to rebuild self-worth when you’ve completely abandoned yourself. Because I’ve been there. And I made my healing my mission, and never looked back.

⚡ The Spiral Downward: When Escapism Becomes Addiction

I’ve spent much of my life being misdiagnosed and misunderstood. By age 33, I’d had fifteen surgeries and more medications than I could count. Eventually, we learned the real culprit was hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), a rare connective tissue disorder that causes chronic pain and a whole list of complications.

But before I had that clarity, I was drowning in prescriptions and pain.
And one of those pills became my escape: sleep medication.

At first, it helped me rest. Then it helped me disconnect. I loved how it felt to finally not feel, no anxiety, no pain, no hyper-awareness of everyone’s emotions around me.
As someone who’s deeply intuitive and energetically sensitive, the silence of that drug felt like peace.

But peace that’s manufactured is never peace; it’s avoidance.
And I got addicted fast.

Before long, I was taking it earlier and earlier just to escape reality. I wasn’t sleeping; I was spiritually dissociating. I’d “black out” and still be subconsciously aware, almost like astral projecting while trapped in my body. Eventually, I found myself zombie-driving my car one night, and that was my wake-up call. Literally.

That night could’ve ended my story, but it didn’t. And I’m grateful every day that it didn’t.

đź’€ The Alcohol Years: When I Stopped Caring

After getting off the medication, I thought I’d beaten addiction.
But the truth is, if you don’t heal the root, the wound finds a new way to bleed.

For me, that next wound was alcohol.

When I moved to Ohio, I was far from family, facing more surgeries, and unraveling from years of suppressed pain. Drinking became my coping mechanism. My “F it” phase. I wasn’t drinking to party. I was drinking because I didn’t care anymore.

That’s the most dangerous kind of addiction, the one fueled by hopelessness.

And when I later found out I wouldn’t be able to have children naturally, that hopelessness deepened into full-on despair. I self-sabotaged. I surrounded myself with people who mirrored my pain. I kept pretending everything was fine while my soul was crumbling underneath.

Looking back now, I realize I wasn’t addicted to the substances.
I was addicted to escape, from my body, my emotions, my trauma, and my reality.

đź’” The Aftermath: The Guilt That Comes With Healing

When I finally decided to heal, to get sober, to grow, to change, I didn’t feel proud.
I felt ashamed.

Because healing brings clarity. And clarity brings guilt.

I looked back on all the times I’d abandoned myself, times I ignored red flags, lowered my standards, let people mistreat me, or hurt myself because I didn’t believe I deserved better. The “shoulda, coulda, woulda” phase hit me hard.

But here’s what I learned:
Beating yourself up for who you were only delays who you’re becoming.

You did what you needed to do to survive. You were doing your best with what you knew at the time.
And the fact that you’re still here means your soul is still fighting for you.

🌹 The Climb Back Up: Making Healing My Mission

When I decided to change, I made a vow to myself:
I will make my healing my goal. My mission. My non-negotiable.

I started doing shadow work, inner child work, and emotional release.
I wrote letters I’d never send & watched them burn. I screamed into pillows. I cried until I couldn’t anymore.
And then I started writing again, poetry, reflections, the kind of words that turn pain into power.

That’s alchemy.

I learned to transmute my suffering into something beautiful. Whether it’s through writing, art, movement, or prayer, find your outlet. Because pain has to move. If you don’t move it, it festers.

Later, I began mirror work, looking myself in the eyes and saying:

“I forgive you. Thank you for getting me this far. You didn’t fail, you survived.”

It wasn’t easy. The first time I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see myself. I saw the monster my shame created. But I kept going.
Because healing means facing the reflection until the reflection starts smiling back.

🌞 The Redemption: Reclaiming Self-Worth

I had to relearn that I was worthy of love, peace, abundance, and happiness.
Not because I was perfect, but because I was still here, still choosing to rise.

You deserve a good life. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to live in comfort, wealth, health, and joy. Not because you’ve earned it, but because you’re a soul here to evolve.

Mistakes don’t define you. Lessons refine you.
No one walking this Earth is without shadow. Perfection is a lie.
Growth is the goal.

So stop punishing yourself for past versions of you. They were the scaffolding that built this stronger, wiser, freer you. And every day, you get to choose:
Evolve or repeat.

✨ Final Words: Forgiveness Is Freedom

If the Divine can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself?

Your past isn’t a life sentence; it’s a lesson.
You don’t need to look backward anymore.
Once you decide to heal, keep walking forward and never look back.

Healing isn’t about perfection; it’s about presence.
It’s the daily choice to show up for yourself, to love yourself through the mess, and to rebuild your worth one honest day at a time.

There’s always redemption for those who seek it. Always.

If this resonated with you:

Remember: healing is not linear, but it is inevitable when you make yourself the mission.
You’ve survived your rock bottom, now it’s time to rise. 🕊️

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