Unfrozen

At 32 years old, I’ve just been born. It’s like I’ve been asleep having a terrible nightmare for the last 31 years of my life. Nothing seems real. If I didn’t have scars from the neck down, I wouldn’t even believe I’d actually been through all the trauma and pain that I have experienced. I’m now left asking myself “now what?”, every single day. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore at a conscious level, but I know at the higher subconscious level, everything is in Divine order. However, right now, in this moment, it’s like nothing is the same. It’s not. I’m not. I’m not who I was, and I’m not yet who I’m becoming fully. A time and place between time and space. A little tear in between realities. I’m here, but just barely.

I find it more and more difficult to remember what I’ve done throughout the day because it feels like I’m in a thousand places at once, doing a thousand things at once. I have this frustration that I’m sitting with over the fact that I don’t know how to be human, and do the human things. I’m trying to get everything figured out for my business, my book, and all the social media promotional stuff, all while trying to learn how to do taxes (which is the biggest earth scam ever created), and how to make money using my very hard to explain spiritual abilities.

It’s top level frustration for me right now, because I feel like at 32, I should be doing better. I just have been trapped by the medications for my entire life, and now that I’m off of them, I’m having to relearn life. There’s no directions for this process, whatever it is. I’m just out here trying to piecemeal things together. The only way that I can describe this experience is literally as though I got frozen in time and then unfrozen in this current reality. Everything is just different.

But how do I explain to other people that I don’t understand how to do “normal” human required things to exist on this planet? I feel like everyone thinks I’m joking whenever I say that I don’t understand why people use money instead of energy and they go out and try to promote instead of allowing their energetic signal to bring them what is in alignment with their highest timeline and destiny.

I do understand that money is a form of energy that they have somehow warped into being a tangible requirement to exist here, but it’s the way that it is obtained is what’s confusing to me.  I am not from here, and it shows…now, more than ever. I need tangible funds in order to create the things that I have been sent here to bring from my world to this world, but in what way do I access these funds? I don’t know. I’m trying hard to crack that code within myself.

It doesn’t feel right or aligned to try and convince or persuade people into working with me or seeing my value, and it also doesn’t feel right to allow someone else to do that on my behalf either. I feel like I’m meant to organically and authentically grow and attract those who are in alignment with me to me. But this planet works on a false “time” schedule, where everything is rushed and there are deadlines for everything, and that contradicts the organic growth process, because the only time that the organic and authentic route follows is the Divine Timing of the Universe.

I suppose this is me being caught up in how “fast” others are achieving material success and recognition though. While I climb the stairs with my supplies on my back, others are zipping by on the elevator with a bell hop carrying their luggage. I am trying to figure out my mind and what works for me now, and this is an incredibly lengthy and complicated process. This is what happens when you’re on SSRIs, Benzos, other pharmaceuticals from 4 to 29.5; you end up having to rediscover who and what you truly are.

I guess that’s why everyone of the Drs were shocked when I told them I had gotten off them, and had the rebuttal that “most people are on those things for life”. Yeah, I bet. Because once you’re off them, you then have to rediscover yourself and the entire world. It’s almost like when you go in for a procedure and you get put under anesthesia. You’re just out of it and then you wake up and you’re somewhere else trying to figure out what happened. It’s as if I can slightly recall my past but it’s like my past was just a dream..a nightmare.

I honestly don’t know what else to describe this as. All I know is that right now, I’m feeling like both an incredibly ancient being and an eternal child all in one body, trying to understand how to exist in this world. I want to ask for help with things related to my business, but I feel embarrassed to say why I don’t know how to do certain things. How do I explain any of what I’ve gone through to anyone without them thinking I’m insane? I’ve documented my life via vlogs, so at least I do have a timeline of my journey, but still.

If I’m being honest, a part of me is upset that I have to interact with this world in general. At this point, all I want to do is do what I am good at and be compensated for that, but it’s so complicated and I don’t understand why. I don’t want to chase clients and pay for ads. I don’t want to constantly be posting on social media for “exposure” or to stay “relevant”.

I want to post my shit and get off, and let my longstanding history of work, experiences, videos, growth, and authenticity attract those who need me. That’s how it is supposed to be. It literally pains me to try and do things like others have and are doing them.

So what does that mean for me? Am I just doomed to fail and make no money because I don’t want to pay to play? Or will my inner work, and energetic pull eventually bring my people and resources into my life? Once again I am faced with this ever unfolding point of existential crisis. I’m told to wait. That I’m being pulled back like the arrow on a bow, getting ready to shoot through the air and hit the bullseye.

Day by day, I’ll take the intuitive steps that I’m guided to take whenever I’m guided to take them. I will post whenever I am guided to post and I will do whatever God, Source, Universe tells me.  But right now, it’s just a point of surrendering to the unfolding and the wait. I can go no further until the platform comes to get me. I have to be okay with this. I have to learn to accept and enjoy where I am at along this winding journey. I have to learn to have fun here and not be so frustrated by my not knowing, because it’s meant to be exciting. I am an eternal child of the Universe, and I have to accept that and allow myself to be in that childlike wonder now. Maybe it’s a gift when I shift perspective. The mind of a child is the most magical thing and that’s where I’ve been brought back to.

I just have to learn to drive the car. It’s similar to getting a Bugatti Veyron and you were just used to a base model vehicle. There’s nothing wrong with the car, you just don’t know how to drive it yet, but once you do, the amount of fun you’ll be able to have in it is limitless. This is the perfect analogy for it. I’m just learning how to live here and how to operate my mind. I’ll get there, one step at a time. 

To be continued…